Is it Microsoft's Fault?

Our weather in California is driving us nuts.  Cold and rainy.  in June?  Who's to blame? 

Is Micro$oft in charge of the seasons in California?


INSTALLING SUMMER IN CALIFORNIA.....

███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.

Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed.
Please try again.
404 error: Season not found. Season "SUMMER IN CALIFORNIA" cannot be located.
The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.
Please try again.

Too Funny!

Joel shared this picture with me last time we were up in Salem (seems like foreever ago!).  It's got a smidge of bad language.. but is pretty funny.   Perhaps that's just because I'm an engineer???

Understanding Engineers

ONE
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

TWO
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

THREE
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

FOUR
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

FIVE
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

Joke to start off your day!

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor? 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor?

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

You Gotta Love Craigslist ;)

This was sent to me by a co-worker and I just had to share it with you.

******WARNING****** This material is inappropriate and rude. So, Grandma Marian. Just stop reading right here. And, any of you youngsters. Time to pack it in.

Now, for the rest of you adventuresome folks... the actual ad:

To the woman that crapped in my car... (NE Portland)
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it 'gambling'. I'm the last person to judge you. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand could have been better... like when you're not seated on a heated leather seat.

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,


P.S. If you crapped yourself on purpose to end the evening early... Touche!

Naming Rights

In a further effort to address the skyrocketing federal deficit, officials in the nation's capitol today revealed that President Obama recently completed a deal to sell the naming rights to his presidential economic team for the duration of his first term.

Details of the contract were not readily available but inside sources close to the negotiations, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated that a syndicate of prominent Democrats from Green Bay and Chicago prevailed in the bidding.

Indications are that as early as Sunday President Obama may make a formal announcement of the agreement which will officially dub his economic team 'The Green Back Porkers'.

Julie's Latest Rescue

My gorgeous wife Julie is also one of the most compassionate people on the planet. Late last month, as the result of a promise she made to Dorothy, one of her favorite clients at the animal clinic, we inherited Skipper.

Like most males, Skipper is a real sweetheart until he starts drinking! Then, of course, we have the usual problems – late night carousing, barking until the early morning hours, running with the wrong crowd.

Here’s a typical picture of Skipper after a Saturday night spent partying. Fortunately, he’s not an angry drunk. In fact, he can be a lot of fun when he’s partying as evidenced by a joke I overheard him tell some friends the other night!

“Q: What do you call a dog with no back legs and brass balls?"
“A: Sparky!”

That one always makes me laugh!

While Skipper can be fun.. I am hoping that Julie get's him under control soon. He’s already burned 3 holes in our couch.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Enjoy these!

Need a Job?

Shhhh! Don't tell anyone... but hard times are hitting the defense electronics world too. So, we here at .. let's just call it ABC Industries for now... are working on a fabulous new low cost weapon system to keep our sales up.

We've just implemented a prototype and are looking for a few good people to join our team as test engineers.

Applicants should possess the following:

-> willingess to travel
-> desire to work outdoors with your hands
-> love of handguns
-> excellent eyesight
-> ability to stay calm under stressful situations
-> ability to reload a handgun while pulling 8Gs without loss of consciousness

Rated 'M' for Mature Audiences

One of the joys of having kids that are a little bit older is that we can share a funny story or two that otherwise would be inappropriate. As such and since both of my kids are brilliant.. and loved Chemistry.. I pass this slightly off color joke I received today along for your consumption. Please let me know if you find it patently offensive and I will immediately take it down. I just thought it was too cute to not pass along. Also, since my great friend Tim Logan went to Washington.. he will be justifiably proud of his fellow student!

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Excellent Joke

The following was sent to me by a colleague at work (obviously, not one of our finer people)...

A farmer was walking in his fields near Ann Arbor, Michigan and he heard the sound of distant singing. Confused, he tried to follow the sound. It led him to a group of his cattle and surprisingly to the rear end of one little calf. He bent down and lifted the tail so he could hear clearer and it was the University of Michigan Fight Song!

Amazed, the farmer loaded his calf into a trailer and drove into town. He went to see his vet and explained what he had discovered. The vet said "well, bring em out and we'll take a look." So the farmer led the calf out of his trailer and up the vet. The vet bent down, lifted the tail and calmly stood back up. "Sure enough, that is the University of Michigan Fight Song."

The farmer was ecstatic. "Doc! Why aren't you more excited!? This is amazing! Unheard of! We gotta tell people!"

The vet, a third generation Michigan State University grad said, "Hell Bud, I'm a Spartan - I have been listening to buttholes sing that song my whole life."

PS - okay, that's funny.. but remember the reason you keep hearing the song is we've been kicking your butt for years!

Found it!

Julie... I can't believe you re-gifted the diamond I got you for our 25th wedding anniversary! You said it was out for CLEANING! Someone else just put it up for sale at Sotheby's!

How could you???

... You Might Live in Michigan

1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.

2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.

3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.

4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.

5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.

6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.

7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.

8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.

9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

10. If know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Michigan.

Perfection

Imagine combining three of my loves ....

1. The University of Michigan
2. Women's basketball.. and
   
3. Loudness

What would you get...? An instant classic!! You gotta watch this!

Michigan Women's Basketball Coach ... on Fire!!

Enjoy!

Spanking vs Time Out?

I received the following funny email today:

Spanking vs. Time Out... (a psychological conundrum)...

Most of America thinks it's either wrong or bad to spank children. So, I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have 'one of those moments'.

One that I found effective is for me to just take a child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique!