This Just In!!

NAIROBI, Kenya – An unidentified US intelligence officer, speaking on condition of anonymity, acknowledged this morning that a specially trained US military team has infiltrated a Somali pirate training center deep within this African nation. While details regarding the training camp remain carefully guarded,  this reporter was able to piece together an account through interviews with observers directly or indirectly associated with the facility. 

Insiders have identified this Somali, known only by his codename, Mr. Big,  as the leader of the recent pirate uprising.  Mr. Big avoids capture by never staying more than a day or two in the same location - floating from hideout to hideout in the dead of night to avoid detection by US and allied satellite imaging systems. A nappy dresser - his outward appearance belies the calculating mind of this heinous leader.

Mr. Big recruits his band of renegade pirates from nurseries throughout the world - preparing them at hidden indoctrination sites for the rigors of attacking US Navy military warships.  Training includes such skills as underwater attack,

small weapons training,

and survival training for when your dinghy gets blown to smitherines:

Following an intensive 9 week course, successful recruits are assigned to a mothership and deployed to the waters off the African coast to be sunk by US and allied forces, captured and brought to freedom in the US.