Instant Old

If you’re still young and want to know what it will be like when you are old – fall off a ladder. I’m not talking about, say, 50 or 60. I’m talking OLD. Here’s what you all have to look forward to one day!

The first thing you do when you wake up (either in the morning or after one of your many 'mini-naps') is take a physical inventory. How is the back feeling? How are the legs today? Can I turn my neck? Do we feel like getting up? Do we feel up to taking a shower?

Daily personal hygiene becomes optional.

You spend more time than you would think strategizing about bathroom runs. Should I really drink that soda? Do I want to have to go all the way to the bathroom? Did I leave early enough to make it all the way to the bathroom before using the bathroom? Or.. if I do go to the bathroom will anything productive happen? And if I get myself all the way down onto the seat… will I be able to get myself up without assistance?

Speaking of productive bathroom runs – when you are older you get to experience the glorious side effects of medications. For instance, it turns out that Vicodin can cause… let’s just say ‘blockage’.

You can’t get comfortable. No matter how you sit, stand or lay something hurts. The problem is that it also hurts to shift around to try to find a comfortable spot; an awful catch-22.

All of a sudden the way the house looks doesn’t mean much. So there are water spots on the shower walls. Who cares? I can’t bend over far enough to squeegee – so I guess ‘water spot’ is the new ‘clear’. Excellent.

Speaking of bending over.. you start thinking to yourself about all sorts of useful inventions that someone should create to make your life easier. Like shouldn’t they put long strings on your pants so that you can lower them by string all the way to the ground to put your feet in them and then pull them back up? Where is that invention? And where are the slip-on tennis shoes for men? Also.. couldn’t they make underwear that you wrap around and through and then Velcro on? Really.. do I have to pull them over my feet way down there and all the way up my legs?

You also start to appreciate things that HAVE been invented. I now have a far greater appreciation for the Toto Washlet (it washes and drys after using the toilet by remote control). Those Toto people are geniuses!

You understand why old people drive really slow and keep way back from other traffic. It's because they know it takes heroic effort to lift their leg off the gas and onto the brake pedal in order to stop. So, they have to leave themselves all sorts of time and space to get stopped without running into somebody.

Speaking of moving.. when you can only walk 1 mile per hour you find yourself getting more frustrated at all those able-bodied people 'darting around you and making you feel bad for being in the way'. You find yourself secretly hoping they all live long enough to feel the burn themselves!

Finally, you find that you spend a tremendous amount of time telling anyone who will listen stories they don’t want to hear about your body parts!